When I was growing up, many of the churches that I was part of had Family Services. Over time the language around these services has changed so that most churches now refer to them as ‘All Age Worship’. There were no doubt good motives behind making the change, perhaps because the word family was seen as excluding those who were not part of a traditional nuclear family of parents with their children. These might be people who are single or older people whose children were no longer with them, or people who were part of non-traditional families.
While these are all good reasons for making such a change, and I’m not suggesting that we should go back, it’s important to recognise that the word family can mean more than one thing. After all, we often refer to the ‘church family’ when we mean the whole church community, not only the individual families that may make it up. When we use the word in this way we evoke a sense of belonging and togetherness, a community that is greater than the sum of its parts. It suggests a sense of obligation and commitment to one another that makes it more than just another social club.
It is worth noting that, as well as these important observations, seeing the church as a family can help us make better sense of the way congregations behave. This is because families often act as an ‘emotional unit’. When one person reacts in a certain way, the rest of the family will pick that up. If one person is anxious, it can promote anxiety in others. When anxiety and tensions arise in our families it can be more difficult than when they arise at work or at the sports and social club because the stakes feel so much higher, and conflict can feel so much more intense.
There is a saying that “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family”. There is truth in this because we must deal with our families whether we want to or not. If we move closer to them, our reactions to each other can get even stronger. If we cut off from them, they are still in our heads, often even more powerfully than before.
Churches also act as an emotional unit because there are deep-seated connections through significant life events, praying together, financial commitments and long-standing relationships. That is why, even though we can choose to go to a different church, the stakes can feel so high, especially when there is conflict. An honest reflection on families must recognise that as well as those warm feelings of belonging and commitment, there can also be anxiety and jealousy; people taking sides with one another and reacting harshly when others fall short of the family ideal. If we describe churches as families, we should not be surprised if sometimes they behave like them.
If this article has resonated with you, and you would like to explore how this way of thinking might help you develop your leadership, enhance your wellbeing, or reflect more deeply on your ministry, I would be delighted to have an initial conversation with you.
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What a wonderful article and so true. We find it difficult with the children as we have a difficult relationship with our adult children. Also fathers and mothers day are difficult because of this and because our own parents are no longer with us
Thanks for your comment Diane, I know how hard these things can be. This is the first part of a series I am writing exploring the way family systems theory can help us understand church life (and our own). If you would like to look at these themes in more depth please get in touch.
I love this! Just drawing on John’s Gospel to illustrate that churches are “households”:
*The Word moved into the neighbourhood and made his home here.
*To those who believe in his name, Jesus gives the power to become children of God.
*And so, after a wedding, the disciples are drawn into the company of Jesus, which, at this point at least, includes his mother and relatives.
*Jesus reveals that “seeing the kingdom of God” is a matter of having a new birth into a new family.
*Jesus “invites disciples into a union with himself that will draw them into his own abiding as Son in the household of the Father for eternity” .
*Bethany is where Jesus went to be with his friends; some related by blood, some not, some believing, some doubting. John 11:52 speaks of the “scattered children of God”; clearly, God has children not yet installed in households like the one at Bethany. Mary anoints Jesus, and “the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume”. An ordinary dwelling was turned into something that smelt like the temple. Alison and I like the Bethany stories so much we named our daughter after them!
*So welcome home, says Jesus. I have prepared a place for you in the Father’s house.
*On the cross, Jesus created multigenerational community, a new household, where John and Mary, unrelated by blood, became family together. John and Mary, we think, end up living in Ephesus – so this is a missionary household, not simply a retirement home for Mary.
*And when Jesus rises from the dead, he tells Mary Magdalene to go to “my brothers and sisters” with the good news.
(I’ve copied and pasted from a document I wrote about ministerial development review)
Thanks Andy. Its amazing to see how many times households / family is used in the scriptures to reflect on the life of the church. It shows what a powerful metaphor it is for us.
Family evolves and changes. My own family has both lost and gained a generation over the last few years. My husband and I have moved up to the top of the scale and are privileged to have enjoyed the arrival of a new generation. However the dynamic has completely changed and it has taken some getting used to.
Because of the change I began a volunteer role and in so doing was welcomed into a completely new family. This in turn led to me joining a further family in my church community. Both of which have been enriching and have gone some way to replacing the vacuum created by the change in my personal family circle.
Hi Mark,
Great article. Your application of Bowen’s Family Systems framework to the ecclesia is thought-provoking. Although we often speak of the “family of believers,” I’d never considered what it might mean to take that metaphor seriously as an emotional system.
From my own journey and reflection, I’ve increasingly come to see healthy community as something intentionally cultivated through both leadership and the active participation of its members, rather than something that happens by accident. Reading this also reminded me how intentional you were in fostering a sense of belonging in practice, so it was encouraging to see those same values reflected in your writing.
Thank you for sharing your work.