Triangles, Triangles
They are everywhere. The roof of my house has triangles. My Ikea self-assembly bookshelves are held upright by triangles. The Queen Elizabeth II Bridge over the Thames Estuary is full of triangles (as is just about any other large bridge you can think of).
There is a reason for this: triangles cannot change their angles without also changing their sides, which makes them remarkably stable. (If you want to find out exactly why, you’ll have to check here, because I don’t really understand all the maths!)
Physical Triangles, Emotional Triangles
In the first two articles in this series, I have been introducing some of the key ideas behind Bowen family systems theory. In the first I observed how seeing the church as a family encourages warm feelings but brings the more challenging dynamics of family life along with it. In the second, I suggested that our reactions to anxiety are formed during our childhood and that we carry them into our adult lives. Here I’m exploring a third: triangles. Triangles are part of the physical world, but Bowen observed that they are in our emotional systems too. They are in our families, in our organisations, in our communities and, for those of us involved in them, in our churches. They emerge in our relationships for much the same reason as they are used in the physical world; they can feel more stable, especially when we are anxious.
Everyday Triangles
When we are frustrated with our spouse but shout at our child – it can be a triangle. When we are told something in confidence and instantly ring up our friend to share it with them – it can be a triangle. When someone tells a leader that they need to change because “lots of people are saying so” – it can be a triangle.
This is not to say that triangles are always bad. Sometimes couples need help from a therapist when they are struggling. When we are carrying something difficult, we might share it with a supervisor or counsellor without betraying the confidence. If we need to have a difficult conversation with a leader, it can be helpful to have someone else there so that the discussion is open and transparent. To adapt another saying, “triangles are neither good nor bad, nor are they neutral”.
Not Neutral?
Triangles are not neutral because they change the way any relational system functions. When we use them as a way of handling our own anxiety, they may help us stabilise initially but can also increase the level of anxiety as it spreads from one person to another. When we shout at our child, they will probably become anxious. Sharing confidential information with a friend may give a burst of conspiratorial pleasure, but they are now carrying a burden that does not belong to them – what if the original person finds out? Telling a leader that “lots of people are saying so” means that they become anxious about who is talking about them without the means to address their concerns.
So if some triangles are good, some are bad, but none are neutral, what should we do about them? Perhaps the answer is that we should be careful with them, and the first step to being careful is to be aware. We can find ourselves in triangles all the time. Why not have a look for some?
If this article has resonated with you, and you would like to explore how this way of thinking might help you develop your leadership, enhance your wellbeing, or reflect more deeply on your ministry, I would be delighted to have an initial conversation with you.
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